Sunday, January 17, 2016

WEEK NINETEEN DIVISIONAL ROUND VS. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS W 27-20

hey kids-

our patriots beat the kansas city chiefs, and damn skippy if they didn’t look like patriots doing it! our last game in foxborough showed our patriots in fine form – giving us plenty of hope as we march on to denver. but first, let’s enjoy this moment!

our fearless quarterback came ready to play, and he brought all his favorite offensive toys to make sure he had some fun. with nine different players making receptions, tommy went 28 of 42 for 302 yards and two touchdowns – plus a quarterback sneak repeat on a rushing TD ruled just short. it was good to see him all fired up and smiling after a few dismal weeks. nice to have you back, tommy!


know who else it was nice to have back? julian! even with the bushy squirrel attached to his face, jules was a sight for sore eyes. while he wasn’t quite in perfect form, he had a nice showing with 10 receptions and 100 yards – and freed up gronk for 83 yards and two awesome touchdowns. yes, i know our defense played, too, but frankly, they weren’t that great. after everything i heard all week long about KC’s amazing secondary, i’m just so freaking proud that tommy didn’t have one single interception (ignore those near misses) and that’s all i’m talking about. yay offense! yay tommy! yay patriots! and if you don’t know by now that julian’s getting the tommy of the week (sorry gronk), well, then you just don’t know me at all. p.s. - i’m totally pretending that ball is me. how i missed you, julian!


we play in denver next weekend for a shot at the super bowl, and here’s how it looks, kids. i’m a tiny bit worried about the broncos, but not that much. i’m a tiny bit worried about julian’s little foot, but not that much. i’m a tiny bit worried chandler jones will get suspended, but not that much. i’m holy freaking worried about mile high stadium, and so so much. forget peyton’s ponies – it’s that stadium that’s going to be tommy’s biggest challenge. let’s hope revenge for breaking gronk back in november and tommy’s pinky’s desperation for a ring are enough fuel to light that oxygen-deprived stable on fire.  start thinking your happy patriots thoughts right now, and I’ll block them back in the right direction if they drift too far west.

have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

Monday, January 4, 2016

WEEK SEVENTEEN @ MIAMI DOLPHINS L 20-10

hey kids-
 
the patriots lost, and i’m super mad about it. all we had to do was beat the jets or beat the dolphins to ensure we wouldn’t have to play in denver – where tom brady has won twice in his entire career. seriously, patriots??? unless this is part of a genius belichick plan where we’re happier to have denver face the chiefs or the steelers while we get the houstons or the bengals, this was just really stupid and annoying. bad patriots!
 
our fearless quarterback looked like all he was going to do was stand around and hand off the ball all day – which made me wonder why they didn’t put in garoppolo. once he finally started passing, for a measly 134 yards, i wished they had put in garoppolo. then, when we finally got to the last two minutes – tommy time – they put in garoppolo. what the hell kind of plan was that, josh? bad tommy!


pretty much all the patriots looked pretty much completely pathetic, and there are no standouts and no honorable mentions. BAD PATRIOTS! the tommy of the week is going to our long snapper. know what patriots? joe cardona has an actual real job in the navy, so maybe you can stop wasting his time with half-assed football games, because he actually really does have better things to do. and you call yourselves patriots! joe cardona, you’re a real patriot – and you deserve a lot more than the tommy of the week.
 


we have a bye week on sunday, and i hope belichick makes the team think about what they’ve done! BAD PATRIOTS. seriously, julian better come back and reminds everybody how to play football, because clearly, our patriots have forgotten.  you have two solid weeks to think your happy patriots thoughts – start now. with the way we’ve been playing, we’re going to need every single one.
 
have a great week, and go pats.
 
love dav
 

BAD PATRIOTS!!!

Monday, December 28, 2015

WEEK SIXTEEN @ NEW YORK JETS L 26-20

hey kids-
 
well, the patriots lost to the jets, and i’m not really that fussed about it. our boys looked like most of us do heading back to work after the holiday – easing in at about 70%, taking it easy, shaking off the cookie coma. with all the injuries, our team only looked about 70% staffed, and if i’m honest, i only cheered with about 70% enthusiasm, too.
 
our fearless quarterback looked much less frustrated that you’d imagine, considering the majority of his offensive weapons were kickin it in boston with leftover turkey. all in all, tommy went 22 of 31 for 231 yards and one annoying interception – but even that was only about 70% annoying. considering it was a pretty crummy performance, i didn’t really care that much. looks like he didn’t, either.


most of this game was long and boring, which seems to be status quo for our divisional matchups this year, and there weren’t many stand out performances to note. our defense did extend their scoring streak to two games – which I hope means they’ve decided to start a trend. since jamie collins recovered the fumble for a touchdown and was the leading tackler this week, he’s getting the tommy. sorry i’m only 70% excited about it, jamie! i’m 100% glad you’re back.
 


we play miami in miami on sunday, and i just this second realized it won’t be december anymore! that’s awesome news, since we often lose to miami in miami in december. after last sunday’s grind, think your happy patriots thought that this game is more entertaining, that we end the season and start the new year a win, and that we finally get a much needed julian fix. (just like one catch. c’mon jules. you know you want to.) i know that’s a lot to ask of your patriots thoughts, but i have faith! don’t let me down.
 
have a great week, and go pats!
 

love dav