Monday, November 28, 2016


well kids,

that was a lot more difficult than was necessary. remember last year when we were playing like gangbusters, and then right at the end of the season, it kinda seemed like we gave up? and it was like, really? we're not going to win EITHER of these end of season games to clinch home field advantage which will definitely come back to bite us in the ass - which it totally did? it feels like that's happening again, and it's not even december. 

our fearless quarterback racked up his 200th career win, but he did not look his best while doing it. i think tommy may have been a little more injured than he let on, and he looked pretty terrible pretty much every time he took the field. he wound up 30/50 (which is way too many) for 286 yards (which is satisfactory to me) and two touchdowns (which is better than zero but not as good as four). in the spirit of thanksgiving, i'm just gonna be grateful for the win.

i'm also grateful for our defense, which is totally reowned this week, kids - and just in the nick of time. with a gimpy tommy, a punctured gronk, and tragically broken stephen goskowski, we needed some help with this one, and the defense came up with some key turnovers. both malcolm butler and chris long forced fumbles - with butler's resulting in a field goal and long's resulting in the end of the game. while they were equally important, timing is everything, and chris' strip-sack comeback-squashing fumble earns the totw. no really, it was the fumble. not the tattoos. i swear! i learned that lesson the hard way.

we're up against the rams on sunday morning, kids, and i don't think it matter that they're in la and not st. louis - we're still gonna squash them! think your happy patriots thoughts that we *finally* win by 63, and i'll tell you all about it next time.

have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

Monday, November 21, 2016


well kids-

i'm thankful that the patriots won, but i was not very impressed by the manner in which they did it. this game was a flurry of activity at the beginning and a flurry of activity at the end, with a long stretch of boringness in the middle and i don't understand why tommy didn't have 11 touchdowns. however, after being regaled by my sister with statistics and investigating the box score for myself, it is possible i have unreasonable expectations. this should surprise no one.

our fearless quarterback actually had a pretty crackerjack day, going 24 of 40 for 280 yards and four touchdowns. this was apparently tommy's first career game in san francisco, which is hilarious - because i totally saw the pats play when i lived in SF and have ZERO recollection that i actually saw matty cassel. whatever. all those hot white football players totally look the same!

i was going to lambaste our defense for letting the 49ers score 17 points, but that's actually only one point above their season low - and seven of them were garbage points scored late in the fourth quarter. all things considered, this game should not have felt as frustrating to me as it did - but this was not as much fun to watch as it looks like it was on paper. that said, it was pretty awesome watching malcolm mitchell step in for the injured gronk and hogan and take off down the field for tommy's final touchdown - and mitchell's career first. the rookie had 98 yards including that 56 yard touchdown reception, and for that, he gets the tommy of the week. i'd say all those hot black receivers totally look the same, but after that catch, i will never call you brandon lafell again, malcolm!

we play the jets on sunday afternoon - and after getting flexed out of sunday night because the jets are so freaking bad, we'd better tear them up. my midseason malaise is bordering on full-fledged patriots dissociative disorder, but there's nothing like trouncing on the jets to jolt me out of it. you've got nothing to do on thursday except eat turkey and think happy patriots thoughts, so don't let me down!

have a happy thanksgiving, and go pats!

love dav

Sunday, November 20, 2016


hey kids-

running late this week, so this'll be short, but not so sweet. the patriots lost to the seahawks, marking the third straight game i've watched in new york in which we lost. i'm going to have to start taking this trip in february.

i'm told it was a good game, but after having beer spilled upon me by three different dudes at the gin mill, i couldn't have cared less. i was ready to go home in the third quarter, and didn't really care if we won or lost. our fearless quarterback went 23 of 32 for 316 yards and no touchdowns. i honestly could not care less.

our defense is officially disowned, and i'm giving the tommy of the week to legarrette blount for his three touchdowns. bennett did have 102 yards, but since we lost, they're pretty much meaningless. actually, all of this was pretty much meaningless. so, congrats on your meaningless award, legarrette.

we play san francisco this afternoon, and to be honest, i really don't care. if you do, think your happy patriots thoughts and i guess we'll see what happens.
have a great sunday, and go pats i guess.

love dav

Thursday, November 3, 2016


hey kids-

our patriots beat the bills so soundly that i'm not even going to gloat about it in the faces of those who might deserve it. you know who you are, will watson.

our fearless quarterback had a field day on sunday, going 22 of 33 for 315 yards and four touchdowns - making up that extra touchdown from last week just as i'd hoped. each of those touchdowns was thrown to a different receiver, which kind of made it feel like tommy was showing off...didn't it, will?

there were a lot of great performances in sunday's game, including gronk's record-breaking touchdown reception and adorable celebration bow, but i don't know how you throw four touchdowns and NOT get the award named after you. i suppose i'll reconsider if tommy starts making a habit of it, but for now, it merits the tommy of the week. i think i made the right choice. what do you think, will?

we're on the bye this week, which should give me enough time to process my feelings about the departure of jamie collins. our next game is the following sunday night against the seahawks, and serendipitously i won't be in portland.... i'll be coming to you LIVE from new york!!! (come to new york, will!) you should know by now that i'll probably be too drunk to think many happy patriots thoughts while i'm there, so start building up the supply right now. the only thing i hate more than losing is doing it on national tv - and in front of a bunch of jets and giants fans!

have a great week, and a great week after that, and i'll catch up with you all next time from the upper west side. go pats!

love dav