Tuesday, October 25, 2016


hey kids-

i've been writing like a crazy person (hurray for a working dav!), so my creativity is tapped and my brain is dead. lying in my bed last night, i couldn't even remember who we played on sunday. so, you know, lower your expectations.

our patriots beat the pittsburgh steelers (i looked it up!) and they didn't do anything to enrage me while they did it. a gimpy pittsburgh squad made this one slightly less of a challenge than usual, but at least it gave tomlin another excuse for the loss. last time it was the headsets, remember?

our fearless quarterback had a pretty restful sunday, throwing just 26 passes and connecting on 19 of them for 222 yards. i wish he'd had one more touchdown, but if it's good enough for tommy, i suppose it's good enough for me.

i have a feeling this tommy of the week is going to be controversial, but i decided while i was watching the game that i was giving it to malcolm butler. i know blount had a great day and gronk tied a record and butler got burned for 51-yards - but he also had his first interception of the season, got close to two more, and leads the nfl in defended passes. plus, if i give the totw to malcolm, i get to show you this amazing picture. see? totally worth it.

we play the bills on sunday, and you know what i say? BRING IT, buffalo. a few weeks ago, the bills got stupid excited about beating our third string quarterback with a broken thumb. i can't wait to reacquaint them with our first string quarterback with the golden arm. think your happy patriots thoughts that retribution is sufficiently wrought and tommy makes up that extra touchdown - and i'll try to remember how to spell my own name and do better next time.

have a great week, and go pats.


wait that's right, right? yeah, that looks right. okay- we're good!

Sunday, October 16, 2016


hey kids-

the patriots won, and i'm not sure why i'm not happier about it. maybe it's because it took our offense nearly two quarters to realize we were in the middle of a football game...or because we sank to the level of the whiny-bitch bengals and probably left a tommy touchdown on the field...or because stephen gostkowski is broken and i'm really really worried we're going to have to get rid of him. whatever the reason, i feel a little ungrateful, because half the teams who played today did not win, and i should be happier that we were not among them.

our fearless quarterback was pretty harassed during the first half of this game, and i don't think either of us were happy with how much time he spent on his butt. things definitely looked better in the second half, and tommy somehow wound up going 29 of 35 for 376 yards and three touchdowns. he also notched his 5000th career completion, which i totally missed when the amateurs at our local cbs affiliate played the same political commercial three times in row instead of cutting back to the actual football game in progress. it was a frustrating day for both of us, tommy, but all's well that ends well.

i was totally thinking the tommy of the week was going to rookie elandon roberts, who stepped in for jamie collins and looked freaking awesome. then i was thinking it was going to donte hightower, who's second safety in two weeks turned the tide of the game. but then, there was gronk. tommy and rob must've had a nice long chat during half time, because gronk wound up with a career high 162 yards - 121 of which came in the third quarter. i wasn't very happy with the taunting penalty that probably cost us a touchdown, but his hilarious righteous indignation on the sidelines made it impossible not to forgive him - and to award him with the tommy of the week. be honest, gronk: this is way better than kickin it in cancun.

we play at pittsburgh next week, and brian says the steelers are pretty good this year - though the dolphins might argue otherwise. the steelers always play us tough, and i usually just hope we all make it out alive. think your happy patriots thoughts for aliveness - or, you know, for winningness if you're feeling particularly ambitious.

have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

Sunday, October 9, 2016


holy tom brady.

hey kids-

after four long weeks, preceded by six longs months, our fearless quarterback has returned, and he certainly made sure he was worth the wait. it's hard to brag about beating the hapless browns (brady quinn, colt mccoy, *and* johnny manziel? poor browns), but the victory was sweet nonetheless.

anyone who thought he might be rusty is clearly unfamiliar with a tom brady scorned. our fearless quarterback came out with guns blazing, leading scoring drives on the team's first three series'. he wound up 28 for 40 for 406 yards and three touchdowns and even snuck in 14 rushing yards - apparently inspired by garoppolo and brissett. as you can see, he celebrates as awkwardly as he runs.

with the return of tommy, everything else seemed to fall in line. gronk pretended like he's been showing up for class all along and racked up 109 yards, martellus bennett caught three touchdown passes, and chris hogan - who i've suspected may not actually know how to catch a football - revealed himself to be a dangerously deep threat.  i attribute all of this to the presence of tom brady, and he's getting the tommy of the week. nice to see you again, tommy. you know we still expect 16 games from you this season, right? okay, okay. make it 15 and we'll call it even.

we play cincinnati at home next weekend kids, and you know what? tom brady's totally going to be there. think your happy patriots thoughts that his homecoming is as happy as his clevelandcoming, and we'll do some more woo hoo tom brady woo hoo next time.

have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

Monday, October 3, 2016


what a crappy football game, kids!

our patriots lost, and i really don't have much to say about it. tommy's suspension is over, and i'm too busy being excited about next sunday to be particularly fussed about last.

it seems like we were all around unprepared for this game. i get that we're on the third string quarterback, but the guy knows how to throw a football. unfortunately, it seems like josh mcdaniels didn't know that- and instead we had all of these poorly-conceived trick plays that didn't fool me, much less the bills defense. speaking of defenses, i think ours must have used yesterday to tackle their weatherstripping, because they certainly weren't tackling the bills. all in all, it was boring and laborious and i'm glad it's over. i hate giving the tommy of the week by default, so let's say i'm giving it to ryan allen for continued performance. allen's having a great year, and while this wasn't his best game, that's only because his others have been spectacular. once again, his punts were consistent - and he's starting to seem like the only player on our team who is. don't worry, ryan! tommy's coming back - and hopefully you'll return to your regular bench-warming duties soon.

we play cleveland on sunday, and if you haven't heard, the wait is over - it's tommytime! let's hope our fearless quarterback hasn't forgotten how to play football during the last four weeks. we need someone on the team who remembers! think your happy patriots, your happy tommy thoughts, and throw in some happy rob ninkovich thoughts for good measure. somebody should be throwing something this week!

hmmm. maybe i'm angrier about this loss than i thought.

have a great week, and go pats!

love dav