Tuesday, December 16, 2014


hey kids-
twas two weeks before christmas, and my big winter wish
was for tommy to triumph and gut those damned fish.
tensions were high as he entered gillette- 
but he made it a game that we soon won’t forget!
and i in my pats hat at my nondouchey bar
sipped a bacon martini – yeah, i know it’s bizarre.
the pats started to drive! a touchdown was expected!
and then son of bitch- the pass was deflected!
the offense was sleeping right through the first half,
but vince and the boys gave us reasons to laugh.
and then tommy’s two touchdowns and 287 yards
made it certain that vict’ry was there in the cards.

when the offense awakened as we hit quarter three,
what a sight to behold- it was something to see!
blount, shane and gronk all got in on the fun,
but when push came to shove, defense made sure we won. 
playing 60 full minutes, making stops and more stops,
they had sacks, interceptions, and forced plenty of drops.
but which guy should get it – the weekly award?
there were so many big plays – and the D even scored!
so with 10 solid tackles and his pick and panache 
patrick chung’s great big sunday trumps tommy’s big dash.
our long lost friend patrick picked a great time to peak -
and by now you all know- he gets the tommy of the week!

now i never count chickens, or jinx us with bets,
but i’m feeling okay about pats versus jets.
still, we’re playing in jersey, and i wanna win lots,
so come on! get to work thinking patriots thoughts!
i’ll catch you next weekend with all that games’ stats-
so have a great week- and go go go PATS!

love dav

Wednesday, December 10, 2014


hey kids-
the patriots beat the chargers IN SAN DIEGO! thank god. this one felt a little like deja vu - in that we won, i was happy, and i drank too much. i really  have to stop drinking wine during night games.
in a little more deja vu, tommy threw two touchdowns and one interception – which i hope does not become a trend. tommy threw for 317 yards, which is kind of surprising since it felt like our offense wasn’t clicking quite as well as it should be. whatever. we won, and i was as happy as tommy was. in fact, i looked like this pretty much the whole walk home. i don’t know how i didn’t get beaten up. 

also deja vu-ish, i really really really wanted to give the totw to julian edelman – except this week, i totally can! julian rocked it out with 141 yards, including a 69-yard touchdown run that involved a lot of tackle-breaking by him and a lot of leaping and yelling by me. here he is, running and laughing at the chargers trying to catch him. silly chargers. you’ll never catch Edel-Man!

we end the season going head to head with each of our division rivals, starting with miami at gillette this sunday. thankfully, all three games are early, so you’ll hopefully get your totws a little sooner and i'll be a little soberer(er). the dolphins have been playing well and pose a definite threat, so think your happy patriots thoughts, and hopefully we’ll all be having deja vu all over again next week.
have a great week and go pats!

love dav

Wednesday, December 3, 2014


hey kids-
the patriots are in san diego! yeah, yeah, we lost to green bay, blah blah blah, but why would i tell you about that when i can tell the patriots are IN SAN DIEGO!!!! WOOOOOO HOOOOO!!!!!
alas, the cheeseheads did prevail, and while i wasn’t super happy or anything, i wasn’t too upset either. neither team player particularly well or seemed particularly dominant, and one more loss was probably a good thing before the playoffs. our fearless quarterback went 22 for 35 with 245 yards and two touchdown passes, and i didn’t think he looked bad...but he didn’t look as good as he does IN SAN DIEGO!!!!
i decided in the middle of this game that i was giving the totw to chris jones, because they kept talking about him and talking about him and talking about him. jones hit rodgers twice and sacked him once, so he wins this week’s tommy. if you think he doesn’t deserve it, don’t worry – he’s getting totally ripped off. i’m not showing you a chris jones picture this week – although i’m sure he’s here in this group of PATRIOTS IN SAN DIEGO!!!!!
so, did i mention the patriots play san diego on sunday night? in fact, they’re already here, IN SAN DIEGO!!! they must be super pissed that there one week in san diego is the one week of measureable rain we’ve had in the last 13 months. on the plus side, it probably feels a little more like home. we need to win the rest of our games from here on out to keep our playoff advantage, so think your happy patriots thoughts extra hard this week. i’m gonna go see if i can track down gronk in the gaslamp...to send him back to practice, of course.
have a great week, and go patriots IN SAN DIEGO!
love dav

Monday, November 24, 2014


hey kids-

our patriots are rolling right through november, racking up another big win in the toughest stretch of our schedule. this week, our pats made short work of the nfl’s best defense and made me very, very happy in the process. remind me about this next year when i’m complain about how boring football is!

our fearless quarterback threw more passes than i’d have liked, but it was to be expected in the face of detroit’s famed run defense. tommy went 38 for 53 with 349 yards and 2 touchdowns, along with one fake interception on an uncalled penalty that still makes me so mad i can’t talk about it. if the lousy pictures of this game are any indication, all the photographers must have started thanksgiving – thanks to gisele, we didn’t need. here’s tommy being all quarterbacky as he’s cheered on by his biggest fan.

i usually love it when there are this many great contenders for the totw – but i have no idea who should get it this week. ryan allen picked up a botched snap and nailed a punt that reminded me why i learned his name, danny amendola had an awesome 81 yard punt return, blount came back with a bang, and rob ninkovich put his hands on matthew stafford so many times, that boy should take him out for lobster. this one is up for grabs – so it should be no surprise the patriots’ secondary is coming down with it. revis and browner led the way, but ryan (and his interception), arrington, chung, and mccourty all contributed to one of the worst games in stafford’s career. nice defense, boys.

it seems like every weekend we head into our “biggest test of the season,” and green bay on sunday will be no exception. rouse yourselves from your food comas and channel all those extra calories into lots of happy patriots thoughts this week. i’m going to be really annoyed if we lose to a team with fans that wear cheese on their heads.
have a great week and a happy thanksgiving – and go pats!

love dav

Wednesday, November 19, 2014


hey kids-
the patriots rolled right out of the bye and right on over the indianapolis colts on sunday, alleviating any fears that they might lose momentum with the week off.  whatever. don’t pretend like you weren’t worried too!
our fearless quarterback didn’t haven his best game ever, but it certainly wasn’t his worst. tommy wound up 19 of 30 for 257 yard and two touchdown passes – along with two interceptions that he definitely deserved. that’s twice as many as he’s thrown in last 5 games, but less than half as many as eli manning threw on the same day, so we’re not going to whine too much. tommy didn’t whine either – he just got right back on the horse, the role of which will now be played by rob gronkowski.

i couldn’t believe how fantastic our defense looked against the nfl’s #1 offense, holding them to just 20 points and stopping them on third and fourth down over and over again. it would take a truly spectacular performance to steal the totw, but by now everyone knows that’s exactly what jonas gray delivered. gray got honorable mention in the totw a few weeks ago, and the newbie clinched it sunday by rushing for 199 yards and four touchdowns. it’s crazy that our new rushing workhorse was on the practice squad last month, while legarrette blount is now teamless after getting cut from the steelers. sometimes i think the hoodie has powers of clairvoyance. in any case, here’s jonas celebrating his very first nfl touchdown... or maybe this was the second. no- that’s definitely the third...unless... well you get the idea.  

we go from the nfl’s #1 offense to it’s #1 defense with a matchup against the detroit lions on sunday. i know our defense is ready to go, so let’s all hope tommy’s worked out the wiggles and the wobbles and our offense comes to play. think your happy patriots thoughts, and i’ll see you right back here next... sunday? let’s be optimistic and say sunday! it is a morning game.
have a great week, and go pats!


Tuesday, November 4, 2014


hey kids-

the patriots beat the broncos. the patriots TOTALLY beat the broncos. HOLY CRAP THE PATRIOTS TOTALLY BEAT THE BRONCOS! in other news, daylight savings time totally turned this into another night game, and my liver and my central nervous system were entirely overstressed by this game. whatever. THE PATRIOTS BEAT THE BRONCOS! soooo worth the anxiety and the hangover.

reading the press about this, i think maybe everyone else was watching a different game than i was. i was still pretty freaking stressed out with eight minutes left in the fourth quarter. i probably would have continued to be stressed out, but thankfully a few shots of jamison intervened on my behalf. what i remember up to that point was a holy freaking fearless quarterback and a whole lot of receivers dropping a whole lot of touchdowns. luckily, tommy just kept on throwing them, winding up with four on the night – along with 333 yards. here he is, sharing a private moment with julian edelman in the midst of the madness.

like much of america, i was awed by the patriots team that showed up sunday afternoon – and there are so many contenders for this week’s tommy. i reallllllly want to give it to edelman, who had several great catches and a zig zag punt return that had me screaming so loudly the entire bar stopped to stare. gronk also had an amazing game – not to mention that whole tom brady dude. nevertheless, i’m giving this totw to the collective patriots defense. bill belichik always has a plan...but it’s not often that it’s executed as well as it was on sunday afternoon. the defense kept manning on his toes all day , flummoxing the offense with different configurations that are beyond the scope of my football knowledge. what i do know is that they shut that shit down, and i couldn’t be more proud.. i know all your names, now, boys.

we’re on the bye this sunday, and it’s hard to go from such a high high to a big old nothing – but i am a little grateful to be looking at a hangover free monday. we’ll be back in action the following sunday night against the colts, hopefully with no hitch in our momentum or our alcoholic tolerance. my happy patriots thoughts are irrepressible right now, but start thinking yours soon, and i'll see you in two mondays...or tuesdays as the case will more than likely be. 

have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

Sunday, October 26, 2014


hey kids-
there’s a dance that goes with all those las, but consider yourselves lucky you can’t see it. also consider yourselves lucky if you saw any of the patriots game against the bears, because it was holy freaking awesome.
it’s my favorite time of year, when tom brady dons his doofy hat and then puts up a performance that defies anyone to make fun of him. there was A LOT of defiance going on today, with our fearless quarterback going 30 for 35 for 354 yards. he also threw five touchdowns. FIVE TOUCHDOWNS. i really just want to say it one more time. tom brady threw five touchdowns!!! apparently this was the eighth best game of his career, which makes us very very very spoiled fans. here he is, celebrating in the tradition of a long line of bradys before him. and i was embarrassed about my dance!

our team looked good on both sides of the ball today, with some exciting performance by some new(ish) faces. on offense, rookie jonas grey – or little dude as he was called by me – took over running back duties admirably, while defensive cornerback brandon browner showed why the patriots signed him with some big breakups and batdowns. still, there’s no way you’re going to throw five touchdowns and not get the award named for you, so this week’s tommy goes to tom brady. games like this have me skipping for joy, too, tommy!

we play denver next week, kids, and our boys have certainly delivered on that momentum for which i was hoping. after last year’s miracle comeback, the broncos should be more fierce than ever – along with momentum, we’re going to need some big plays. a little bad weather and a lot of happy patriots thoughts can’t hurt – so start thinking yours right now, and i’ll start doing my nor’easter dance. please avert your eyes.
have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

Sunday, October 19, 2014


hey kids-
well, the patriots beat the jets in a down-to-the-wire nailbiter, and i’m just now getting over the hangover this game induced. both my liver and i are extremely grateful we won’t have another night game until after the bye.
our fearless quarterback is looking both fearless and quarterbacky these days, and i’m loving it. tommy came out swinging again, this time with a lovely 49-yard touchdown pass into the waiting arms of shane vereen. brady ended with 261 yards and three touchdowns– one more to shane and one to danny amendola, who apparently has “come out of his funk” and is “finally contributing” all with one 19-yard catch. don’t get me wrong – i’d heart amendola if it weren’t hazardous for his health, but seriously! put me in there enough times and i’ll make one awesome important catch, too! in any case, we like danny, we like touchdowns, and we really like tom brady celebrating...although i’m not sure i really like this. maybe we should give these boys a little privacy.

while it’s great fun to watch our offense making big dramatic passing plays, the downside is that our defense was on the field literally twice as long as brady and the boys. i’m not thrilled that they allowed the jets to score 25 points, but they did manage to come up big when it counted. chris jones redeemed himself for last year’s loss by blocking a 58-yard field goal attempt... or so i’m told. i was outside sucking in air and trying to not hurl the entire bottle of wine i apparently drank over the course of the game. luckily, there’s photographic evidence (or the play, not the near-hurling) and here’s chris blocking that punt and earning this week’s tommy. thanks chris! winning made staggering home a much more pleasant experience!

we play the bears next sunday morning, and i think the bears started out good but aren’t that good any more, so i don’t know what will happen. (you know, as opposed to all those weeks when i totally predict exactly what’s going to happen.) think your happy patriots thoughts and i’ll let you know all about it next time.
have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

Monday, October 13, 2014


hey kids-

the patriots won! my mom would tell you i complained about being bored for the whole first half of this game, but she’s a liar. this game was super awesome and exciting and i totally love winning. at least that’s how i remember it!

tom brady’s on fi-yah (fi-yah, fi-yah) and had his best game of the season, racking up four touchdowns and 361 yards. while i never ever take a win for granted, brady seems to own the bills, and the second half of this game almost felt like one of those games of keep away big brothers play with little brothers (or in my case, tall boyfriends play with short girlfriends). tommy would be the big brother or the tall boyfriend in this situation if there was any confusion. yeah... i kinda lost the thread on this one.

in any case, there were solid performances on both side of the ball again this week, and it’s heartening to see the pats playing with a little passion and pride. both of new kids caught touchdowns and jamie collins had another big game, but the totw is going to brandon lafell. he’s been making steady progress since joining the offense, and it culminated with 97 yards and two touchdown receptions against the bills – including a super pretty 56 yarder that  made our fearless quarterback look like a superhero. nice work brandon! here he is getting some much earned tommylove as a reward. tommy looks as surprised that he can catch the ball as i was!

we play the jets on thursday night, and it’s the first of three (count em, three!) home games we have before heading into our bye. it’d be nice to get a little momentum going leading up to our prebye broncos battle, but it would be even nicer to beat the jets! think your happy patriots thoughts that the jets don’t pick this week to remember how to play football – and that the patriots don’t pick this week to forget now that they’re finally getting the hang of it.

have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

ps- my mom’s not a liar. i was totally bored during the first half of this game. sorry mom!

Monday, October 6, 2014


hey kids-
i come to you with shame on my face. i totally lost faith and didn’t think it was physically possible for our patriots to beat the bengals. thankfully, they never lost faith in themselves, and they all stepped up to lay down a whoopin on the cincinnati bengals. holy patriots.
after taking it in the teeth all week long, tommy came out kickin’ and led our offense to touchdowns on the first two drives. he never let up, and our fearless quarterback eventually wound up 23 of 35 with 292 yards. while those may not be the most impressive numbers of his career, they were impressive enough to make me embarrassed for ever doubting he could once again turn a nothing team into something – and to make everybody else shut the hell up. our tommy proved he’s not anywhere close to done, and if you want that football, you’re gonna have to pry it from his cold, dead hands.

there were a lot of exciting performances in this game – from an offensive line that kept brady vertical to a rob gronkowski who finally remembered how to catch a football. even our defense looked awesome – led by darrelle revis who finally decided to play for the patriots! still, it should be no surprise this week’s tommy is going to tom brady. our fearless quarterback not only showed us the leadership, competitiveness and general roguish charm that inspired this award, but he also became the sixth quarterback to pass for 50,000 career yards. here he is, racking up a few of those yards and showing us all why he has an award named after him... and, you know, three super rings and stuff.

and after four weeks of watching tommy cry/fume/wallow on the bench, we’re just going to take one more moment and revel in this. awwwww yeahhhh. that’s the stuff.

we play the bills on sunday, and while i’m not expecting the patriots to come out with guns quite as blazing, it certainly is a relief to know that team is in there. great work holding up the side and thinking extra happy patriots thoughts for a defeated dav this week, kids. i promise i’ll do my part for sunday. in fact, i’ve started all ready!
so – altogether now: happy patriots thoughts, have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

Saturday, October 4, 2014


hey kids-
the only thing worse than watching the patriots get slaughtered on monday night football in front of a national audience is doing it totally hungover on about 90 minutes’ sleep. but it was a reallllllllllly goooooood wedding.
so, somewhere between the gravy cheese fries (thank god i don’t live near the gin mill anymore) and the 26-year-old hitting on me (seriously- why i am SO pretty in new york?!), i think there was a football game, and i think i’m supposed to tell you about it. it honestly isn’t worth talking about, as our fearless quarterback looked worse than i’ve seen him in as long as i can remember. i know it wasn’t all his fault, but man, that was a bad game, tommy. there were a LOT of photos of brady on his butt, but i like this one the best. at least here, it’s where he’s supposed to be!

looking at the stats, i was amazed to see that brandon lafell had six receptions for 119 yards – mostly because i’m surprised that tommy completed that many passes! as exciting as it is to see lafell catching the ball, this tommy of the week is going to ryan allen. i realllllly hearted me some zoltan mesko and refused to learn the new kid’s name all last season. however, his consistently awesome punts have worn me down, and i’m showing the kid some love. he’d actually had zero touchbacks up to this game and was one of the few patriots who went to kansas city to play football. (i’m guessing the rest of them went for the barbeque – which would totally explain tommy’s slippery hands.) great work right allen. ironically, you’re the only thing that didn’t have me seeing red on monday.

we play cincinnati tomorrow night, and i’m not gonna lie, kids. i can’t muster one single happy patriots thought. i’m seriously afraid we’re going to get killed. on national tv. again. here’s hoping i’m wrong – since i’ll actually be conscious for this game!  think extra ones for me – it’s in all of our best interest for the pats not to go 2-3. trust me.
have a great saturday night and go pats!

love dav

Tuesday, September 23, 2014


hey kids-

about to head out the door for my annual nyc extravaganza, so let’s make it short and sweet. the patriots won. it was ugly. i don’t care. i like winning better than not winning, even if the game is excruciating to watch.

our fearless quarterback is looking a little more frazzled than fearless these days, but that may be because there’s no good option when julian edelman is covered, which is always. tommy started slow but managed to go 24 of 37 and rack up 234 yards and one touchdown, which feels about average in this no-receiver era. that win might’ve been ugly, tommy – but it sure looks good on you.

i wanted to give this totw to julian edelman because again it felt like he’s the only guy on the team doing his job and at least he makes me cheer for something. then, right at the end, vince wilfork came up with a heads up lucky interception that kept our woeful patriots from going to OT with the woeful raiders. so, for saving me a little woe, vince gets this week’s tommy. EAT EM, VINCE!

we play kansas city on monday night while i’m in nyc. i’ll be closer, but the patriots will ironically be farther away, so think your happy patriots thoughts extra hard so they have time to get there. happy week, happy new york, happy win!

go patriots!

love dav

Sunday, September 14, 2014


well kids,
winning sucks a lot less than losing does. while i’m still not completely back in football mode, our patriots made it a little easier on me by winning big in minnesota. lessons learned in week two:  both winning and a nondouchey football bar have a notably positive impact on my attitude about the patriots. 
tommy had a pretty mellow game this week, going 15 for 22 with 149 yards and a touchdown pass, but we won and we’ll take it. our fearless quarterback didn’t do much in the way of earning his nickname this week, but when the other guy throws four picks, you kind of look good just standing there.

our defense ran away with this game quite literally, as they were on the receiving end of those four cassel picks. you can’t blame poor matt for getting a little confused – he threw to patriots for a long time! while mccourty had an awesome 60 yard return, he missed scoring – and the totw – by one yard. instead, this one’s going to chandler jones. number 95 is already off to a fantastic start this season, and he piled on this week with two terrific sacks and an awesome blocked field goal that he returned for a touchdown.  here he is giving a hello hug to our old friend matt, though matty does not look very happy to see him.

dad says we play the raiders next week, and google says he’s right! it’s our home opener, which bodes well, but be sure to think your happy patriots thoughts. you can’t expect the nondouchey football bar to do all the work for you.
have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

Monday, September 8, 2014


alright tommy. it’s time to shave.
hey kids-
it’s football season again, and i think i might be dead because i’m super not feeling it. our patriots didn’t help at all yesterday, putting up their first opening day loss since 2003. it’s not that surprising for us to lose to miami in miami, but it is a pretty sucky way to start a season. i blame the beard.
our fearless quarterback was bristly in more ways than one, showing obvious frustration at throwing 59 passes and having only 29 of them caught. this was cute at first, but i’m getting really freaking tired of having no players on our team. tommy was definitely not on his game in the second half, but it’s going to be a long season if some of those boys don’t remember how to catch the football. i’m talking to you rob gronkowski. at least tommy had the good grace to cry about it. i’m usually so happy to see your face this time of year tommy, bur frankly, right now i’m glad i don’t have to look at you.

seriously – i think i might be broken because i’m really not interested in football at all and i don’t feel like giving the tommy of the week to anybody. it really makes me mad when we lose. to the dolphins. in week one. the first half of this game actually wasn’t awful – we had two nice drives and several awesome defensive turnovers, which was promising. i distinctly remember cheering for julian edelman and stephen gostkowski for, you know, doing their jobs, so let’s give this one to stephen. he hit a 60 yard field goal in preseason, and while i don’t do preseason totws, he usually gets overlooked during the season. i love you, stephen, but i reallllllly hope i don’t have to give this to you every week.

so the good news is that tommy’s in last place and you know he’s pissed off about it, which can only be good for us. the even gooder news is that the last time we lost the season opener, we won the super bowl. the goodest news is that this totw is all done. think some happy patriots thoughts so that i can start liking football again. we play the vikings in minnesota on sunday morning, and if we don’t win, i’ll be even crankier than this. you’ve been warned.
have  a great week, and um, well, go pats, i guess.
love dav

ps- if you want off this list, you can email me. or just hang in there. if i don’t like football again soon, you might not have to put up with it much longer!

Wednesday, January 15, 2014


holy patriots!
i’ve gotta say, kids- i did NOT see that coming. the patriots ran away with a victory against the colts – our third resounding victory in a row! the hot streak continues!
i love it when our fearless quarterback can throw 198 yards and no touchdown passes and we still win by three scores. tommy was pretty much relegated to team holder for this game, holding the ball out for the parade of running backs speeding by him – and even holding the ball up for stephen gostkowski after our punter got injured. apparently the the secret to winning is true. you gotta know when to hold em, tommy!

there were so many patriots who deserved the tommy this week. of course, blount had another amazing game with four touchdowns and 166 yards, dennard pulled down two of the d’s four interceptions, and i had to remind myself i do NOT heart danny amendola more than once. (really, it’s for his own good!) in the midst of all those great performances, dad says the tommy of the week goes to jamie collins, and i can’t argue. with yet another injury on defense, our rookie linebacker stepped in and stepped up with a sack, an interception, and a whole bunch of tackles that helped our defense shut down the colts. the rookies have been making us proud all season long, and these big performances give me hope not just for the distant future, but also for the immediate future. here’s to the first of what i hope will be many tommies, jamie collins!

it seems backward to have to beat the colts and then the broncos – but that’s the way it’s going down this year, kids. we play denver on sunday early, and i’m not gonna lie: i’m a little worried about it. still, i think we’ve got a fighting chance, even if tommy does play some of his worst football in mile high. think your happy patriots thought extra hard this week, lest they dissolve into thin air! hopefully your next tommy of the week won’t be your last.
have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

Thursday, January 2, 2014


hey kids-
happy new year! our patriots closed out the season and the win on a high note, beating the bills in resounding fashion. since this was our second consecutive resounding win, i’m going to consider that a hot streak going into the playoffs!
after a season of throwing way too many passes while our receivers learned their routes and our running game developed, our fearless quarterback was able to all but take this last game off, going 14 for 24 and 122 yards. in fact, this may be the most work his hands did all day long! nice to get a solid win barely lifting a finger (or five), eh, tommy?

we’ve been watching legarrette blount get a little bit better every week, so it was super awesome to see him finally have this literal breakout game. he ended the game with 189 yards and two touchdowns, which earns him the tommy of the week in spite of the fumble. there are about a million pictures of legarrette  bulldozing his way through the defense, but i like this one of him and belichick. this might even be more of an honor than getting the tommy of the week, legarrette!

we earned a first round bye in the playoffs, which means our boys are off this week. it also means you’ve got plenty of time to practice your happy patriots thoughts. no matter we play in the divisional matchup, we’re going to need all the help we can get!
have a great week, and go pats!

love dav