Saturday, December 24, 2016


twas the morn before Christmas
when our pats played to clinch
playoff homefield advantage
would the jets play the grinch?

the weather was stormy 
as the first half got started
but touchdown by touchdown
the bluer skies parted

our fearless QB
played just like a machine
throwing 27 passes
and completing 17

the offense kept coming 
tommy worked every angle 
with touchdowns to bennett
to white and to lengle 

even blount rushed two touchdowns
and steph nailed two kicks
but the highlight this game
was the defensive picks

our CBs were smoking
and caught more receptions
than the jets' own receivers 
with three interceptions 

malcolm butler had two
he made new york cry "mommy!"
plus he fell on a fumble!
and he earned this week's tommy

now we'd all like our season
to end with more wins
so think happy thoughts 
as we take on the 'phins 

may your morrow be merry 
many drinks may you have 
happy Christmas to all 
see you next week, love dav

Wednesday, December 21, 2016


holy crap, kids!

the patriots beat the broncos at mile high! i have to admit i didn't see that one coming. it wasn't the prettiest win ever, but any W is a lot prettier than an L, and this one sealed up the afc east and a first round bye. i'll take it!

our fearless quarterback kinda seemed to be playing the function that brock osweiler played in denver last year: just stand there and try not to screw things up too much. we all know how that worked out for brock! or tommy wound up 16 of 32 for 188 yards, which is kind of amazing since i'm not sure he completed a pass in the entire first quarter. it was mile high, so of course, he did have two fumbles, but gisele clearly taught him a few tricks during his suspension: tommy did an excellent job just standing there looking pretty!

happily, the rest of our team looked pretty in a whole different way. blount smashed in another touchdown in his record-smashing season, and poor jules earned every single one of his 75 yards - along with a few well deserved bonus yards after taking an insane late hit. gostkowski happily nailed three field goals, and our defense continued to force turnovers and give the offense a hand. all in all, it was a happy day in denver, which is a sentence i never thought i'd write. there are some solid totw contenders, but i'm giving this one to logan ryan. not only did he lead the team in tackles (even thought that's not a good thing... hello linerbackers!) but he also came up with a key redzone interception. nice work, logan, you guys are really starting to look like a defense!

we play the jets christmas eve morning, so i'll try to crank out the annual holiday totw on christmas eve eve. until then, have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

Wednesday, December 14, 2016


hey kids-

puppymergency last week, but our patriots beat the rams and tommy broke a record by earning his 201st victory. he got the totw.

in equally exciting and more current news, our patriots beat the ravens on monday night football - and they did so in very convincing fashion. even with the glaring mistakes, this is the first time i've felt good about this team in about a month. this season may not be lost after all.

our fearless quarterback is undefeated when facing the NFL's #1 defense, and he showed why on monday night. tommy went 25/38 and 406 yards and three touchdowns - including one loooooong pretty pass down the middle of the field into the waiting arms of chris hogan. he also had one boneheaded interception that was totally his fault but we're going to ignore.  tommy got just as fired up in this game when the offense was performing poorly and when they were performing well, showing us the leadership, competitiveness, and general roguish charm that inspired the totw - and, you know, earned him four super bowl rings.

it was pretty exciting to see the patriots play at the level they did on monday night - especially against the ravens, who always play hard against us. i never discount what gronk brings to the field, but sometimes it seems like the chemistry is better without him. i don't know if that's because everyone else is working that much harder to fill in the gaps or if the changes to the game plan are just more suitable to the remaining guys on the field - but monday was a case in point. once the offense got into rhythm, they looked unstoppable. shockingly, the defense started out in rhythm and finally looked freaking awesome - making tackles, breaking up passes, and pulling down yet another interception. they also scored their third safety of the season - thanks in large part to ryan allen's super-hero punting. the punt return team clearly needs some help, but all in all, it's awesome when i'm struggling to award the totw because of an abundance of options rather than a lack of them. after a lot of consideration, i'm giving this week's tommy to chris hogan. how much fun is chris hogan having as a patriot - and how much fun is he to watch? after my early season frustrations, i'm amazed by how quickly he learned the offense and how productive he's become. he ended monday with 5 receptions and 129 yards - and his very first totw. may it be the first of many, chris!

we play denver on sunday kids, and i'd be feeling a lot better about it if we weren't playing at mile high. let's hope all the snow here in portland today blows on over to denver - a snowy field certainly couldn't hurt! think your happy patriots thoughts that the patriots successful streak of animal taming continues, and i'll catch you back here next time.

have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

Monday, November 28, 2016


well kids,

that was a lot more difficult than was necessary. remember last year when we were playing like gangbusters, and then right at the end of the season, it kinda seemed like we gave up? and it was like, really? we're not going to win EITHER of these end of season games to clinch home field advantage which will definitely come back to bite us in the ass - which it totally did? it feels like that's happening again, and it's not even december. 

our fearless quarterback racked up his 200th career win, but he did not look his best while doing it. i think tommy may have been a little more injured than he let on, and he looked pretty terrible pretty much every time he took the field. he wound up 30/50 (which is way too many) for 286 yards (which is satisfactory to me) and two touchdowns (which is better than zero but not as good as four). in the spirit of thanksgiving, i'm just gonna be grateful for the win.

i'm also grateful for our defense, which is totally reowned this week, kids - and just in the nick of time. with a gimpy tommy, a punctured gronk, and tragically broken stephen goskowski, we needed some help with this one, and the defense came up with some key turnovers. both malcolm butler and chris long forced fumbles - with butler's resulting in a field goal and long's resulting in the end of the game. while they were equally important, timing is everything, and chris' strip-sack comeback-squashing fumble earns the totw. no really, it was the fumble. not the tattoos. i swear! i learned that lesson the hard way.

we're up against the rams on sunday morning, kids, and i don't think it matter that they're in la and not st. louis - we're still gonna squash them! think your happy patriots thoughts that we *finally* win by 63, and i'll tell you all about it next time.

have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

Monday, November 21, 2016


well kids-

i'm thankful that the patriots won, but i was not very impressed by the manner in which they did it. this game was a flurry of activity at the beginning and a flurry of activity at the end, with a long stretch of boringness in the middle and i don't understand why tommy didn't have 11 touchdowns. however, after being regaled by my sister with statistics and investigating the box score for myself, it is possible i have unreasonable expectations. this should surprise no one.

our fearless quarterback actually had a pretty crackerjack day, going 24 of 40 for 280 yards and four touchdowns. this was apparently tommy's first career game in san francisco, which is hilarious - because i totally saw the pats play when i lived in SF and have ZERO recollection that i actually saw matty cassel. whatever. all those hot white football players totally look the same!

i was going to lambaste our defense for letting the 49ers score 17 points, but that's actually only one point above their season low - and seven of them were garbage points scored late in the fourth quarter. all things considered, this game should not have felt as frustrating to me as it did - but this was not as much fun to watch as it looks like it was on paper. that said, it was pretty awesome watching malcolm mitchell step in for the injured gronk and hogan and take off down the field for tommy's final touchdown - and mitchell's career first. the rookie had 98 yards including that 56 yard touchdown reception, and for that, he gets the tommy of the week. i'd say all those hot black receivers totally look the same, but after that catch, i will never call you brandon lafell again, malcolm!

we play the jets on sunday afternoon - and after getting flexed out of sunday night because the jets are so freaking bad, we'd better tear them up. my midseason malaise is bordering on full-fledged patriots dissociative disorder, but there's nothing like trouncing on the jets to jolt me out of it. you've got nothing to do on thursday except eat turkey and think happy patriots thoughts, so don't let me down!

have a happy thanksgiving, and go pats!

love dav

Sunday, November 20, 2016


hey kids-

running late this week, so this'll be short, but not so sweet. the patriots lost to the seahawks, marking the third straight game i've watched in new york in which we lost. i'm going to have to start taking this trip in february.

i'm told it was a good game, but after having beer spilled upon me by three different dudes at the gin mill, i couldn't have cared less. i was ready to go home in the third quarter, and didn't really care if we won or lost. our fearless quarterback went 23 of 32 for 316 yards and no touchdowns. i honestly could not care less.

our defense is officially disowned, and i'm giving the tommy of the week to legarrette blount for his three touchdowns. bennett did have 102 yards, but since we lost, they're pretty much meaningless. actually, all of this was pretty much meaningless. so, congrats on your meaningless award, legarrette.

we play san francisco this afternoon, and to be honest, i really don't care. if you do, think your happy patriots thoughts and i guess we'll see what happens.
have a great sunday, and go pats i guess.

love dav

Thursday, November 3, 2016


hey kids-

our patriots beat the bills so soundly that i'm not even going to gloat about it in the faces of those who might deserve it. you know who you are, will watson.

our fearless quarterback had a field day on sunday, going 22 of 33 for 315 yards and four touchdowns - making up that extra touchdown from last week just as i'd hoped. each of those touchdowns was thrown to a different receiver, which kind of made it feel like tommy was showing off...didn't it, will?

there were a lot of great performances in sunday's game, including gronk's record-breaking touchdown reception and adorable celebration bow, but i don't know how you throw four touchdowns and NOT get the award named after you. i suppose i'll reconsider if tommy starts making a habit of it, but for now, it merits the tommy of the week. i think i made the right choice. what do you think, will?

we're on the bye this week, which should give me enough time to process my feelings about the departure of jamie collins. our next game is the following sunday night against the seahawks, and serendipitously i won't be in portland.... i'll be coming to you LIVE from new york!!! (come to new york, will!) you should know by now that i'll probably be too drunk to think many happy patriots thoughts while i'm there, so start building up the supply right now. the only thing i hate more than losing is doing it on national tv - and in front of a bunch of jets and giants fans!

have a great week, and a great week after that, and i'll catch up with you all next time from the upper west side. go pats!

love dav

Tuesday, October 25, 2016


hey kids-

i've been writing like a crazy person (hurray for a working dav!), so my creativity is tapped and my brain is dead. lying in my bed last night, i couldn't even remember who we played on sunday. so, you know, lower your expectations.

our patriots beat the pittsburgh steelers (i looked it up!) and they didn't do anything to enrage me while they did it. a gimpy pittsburgh squad made this one slightly less of a challenge than usual, but at least it gave tomlin another excuse for the loss. last time it was the headsets, remember?

our fearless quarterback had a pretty restful sunday, throwing just 26 passes and connecting on 19 of them for 222 yards. i wish he'd had one more touchdown, but if it's good enough for tommy, i suppose it's good enough for me.

i have a feeling this tommy of the week is going to be controversial, but i decided while i was watching the game that i was giving it to malcolm butler. i know blount had a great day and gronk tied a record and butler got burned for 51-yards - but he also had his first interception of the season, got close to two more, and leads the nfl in defended passes. plus, if i give the totw to malcolm, i get to show you this amazing picture. see? totally worth it.

we play the bills on sunday, and you know what i say? BRING IT, buffalo. a few weeks ago, the bills got stupid excited about beating our third string quarterback with a broken thumb. i can't wait to reacquaint them with our first string quarterback with the golden arm. think your happy patriots thoughts that retribution is sufficiently wrought and tommy makes up that extra touchdown - and i'll try to remember how to spell my own name and do better next time.

have a great week, and go pats.


wait that's right, right? yeah, that looks right. okay- we're good!

Sunday, October 16, 2016


hey kids-

the patriots won, and i'm not sure why i'm not happier about it. maybe it's because it took our offense nearly two quarters to realize we were in the middle of a football game...or because we sank to the level of the whiny-bitch bengals and probably left a tommy touchdown on the field...or because stephen gostkowski is broken and i'm really really worried we're going to have to get rid of him. whatever the reason, i feel a little ungrateful, because half the teams who played today did not win, and i should be happier that we were not among them.

our fearless quarterback was pretty harassed during the first half of this game, and i don't think either of us were happy with how much time he spent on his butt. things definitely looked better in the second half, and tommy somehow wound up going 29 of 35 for 376 yards and three touchdowns. he also notched his 5000th career completion, which i totally missed when the amateurs at our local cbs affiliate played the same political commercial three times in row instead of cutting back to the actual football game in progress. it was a frustrating day for both of us, tommy, but all's well that ends well.

i was totally thinking the tommy of the week was going to rookie elandon roberts, who stepped in for jamie collins and looked freaking awesome. then i was thinking it was going to donte hightower, who's second safety in two weeks turned the tide of the game. but then, there was gronk. tommy and rob must've had a nice long chat during half time, because gronk wound up with a career high 162 yards - 121 of which came in the third quarter. i wasn't very happy with the taunting penalty that probably cost us a touchdown, but his hilarious righteous indignation on the sidelines made it impossible not to forgive him - and to award him with the tommy of the week. be honest, gronk: this is way better than kickin it in cancun.

we play at pittsburgh next week, and brian says the steelers are pretty good this year - though the dolphins might argue otherwise. the steelers always play us tough, and i usually just hope we all make it out alive. think your happy patriots thoughts for aliveness - or, you know, for winningness if you're feeling particularly ambitious.

have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

Sunday, October 9, 2016


holy tom brady.

hey kids-

after four long weeks, preceded by six longs months, our fearless quarterback has returned, and he certainly made sure he was worth the wait. it's hard to brag about beating the hapless browns (brady quinn, colt mccoy, *and* johnny manziel? poor browns), but the victory was sweet nonetheless.

anyone who thought he might be rusty is clearly unfamiliar with a tom brady scorned. our fearless quarterback came out with guns blazing, leading scoring drives on the team's first three series'. he wound up 28 for 40 for 406 yards and three touchdowns and even snuck in 14 rushing yards - apparently inspired by garoppolo and brissett. as you can see, he celebrates as awkwardly as he runs.

with the return of tommy, everything else seemed to fall in line. gronk pretended like he's been showing up for class all along and racked up 109 yards, martellus bennett caught three touchdown passes, and chris hogan - who i've suspected may not actually know how to catch a football - revealed himself to be a dangerously deep threat.  i attribute all of this to the presence of tom brady, and he's getting the tommy of the week. nice to see you again, tommy. you know we still expect 16 games from you this season, right? okay, okay. make it 15 and we'll call it even.

we play cincinnati at home next weekend kids, and you know what? tom brady's totally going to be there. think your happy patriots thoughts that his homecoming is as happy as his clevelandcoming, and we'll do some more woo hoo tom brady woo hoo next time.

have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

Monday, October 3, 2016


what a crappy football game, kids!

our patriots lost, and i really don't have much to say about it. tommy's suspension is over, and i'm too busy being excited about next sunday to be particularly fussed about last.

it seems like we were all around unprepared for this game. i get that we're on the third string quarterback, but the guy knows how to throw a football. unfortunately, it seems like josh mcdaniels didn't know that- and instead we had all of these poorly-conceived trick plays that didn't fool me, much less the bills defense. speaking of defenses, i think ours must have used yesterday to tackle their weatherstripping, because they certainly weren't tackling the bills. all in all, it was boring and laborious and i'm glad it's over. i hate giving the tommy of the week by default, so let's say i'm giving it to ryan allen for continued performance. allen's having a great year, and while this wasn't his best game, that's only because his others have been spectacular. once again, his punts were consistent - and he's starting to seem like the only player on our team who is. don't worry, ryan! tommy's coming back - and hopefully you'll return to your regular bench-warming duties soon.

we play cleveland on sunday, and if you haven't heard, the wait is over - it's tommytime! let's hope our fearless quarterback hasn't forgotten how to play football during the last four weeks. we need someone on the team who remembers! think your happy patriots, your happy tommy thoughts, and throw in some happy rob ninkovich thoughts for good measure. somebody should be throwing something this week!

hmmm. maybe i'm angrier about this loss than i thought.

have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

Sunday, September 25, 2016


well kids-

i did not see that coming. our patriots looked freaking awesome against the houstons, even if our last quarterback standing got a little banged up in the process.

southern barbecue did better in his first nfl start than anticipated (by me) and even had 27-yard touchdown that was pretty darned impressive - and not just because our regular fearless quarterback runs like a lumbering ox. brissett wound up 11 of 19 for 103 yards, with a little assistance from edelman and amedola - but none from gronk, who finally showed up but was utterly useless. that's okay, gronk. i'm pretty useless when i'm hungover, too.

whatever bill said to our defense about checking out in the second half of last week's game worked, because the D came to play. not only did they shut out the houstons completely, but they also set up our offense with awesome field position thanks to an endless parade of turnovers. sheard sacked osweiller twice, both bolden and ebner forced fumbles, and jamie collins had an awesome interception he returned for six. our defense didn't score until week FIFTEEN last season, so collins is definitely getting this week's tommy. nice work, jamie! maybe that apple picking last sunday turned out to be good practice for this week's pick six!

my friend jeremy called this week to grouse at me for "beating his bills"- which i thought was a lovely vote of confidence since we don't play them until next sunday. i don't care which one of our ailing quarterbacks shows up to get the job done, as long as there's one more nail in rex ryan's coffin - and one more W to welcome back #12. think your happy patriots thoughts, kids, and i'll see you next sunday.

have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

Monday, September 19, 2016


well kids,

it's pretty early in the season for me to rage when the patriots pull out a win, but i was pretty steaming mad about yesterday's victory. there i was, sipping my bloody mary and enjoying the danny amendola show, when BAM! our not-even-real quarterback is injured, our defense disappears to go apple picking, and some guy whose name belongs on a southern barbecue menu is standing in the spot where tom brady belongs. don't blame the concussions - welker had good reason to look so confused.

by now you probably know jimmy garoppolo left with an injury, but it sounds like it's not as serious as initially feared. the kid looked solid while he did play, scoring on his first three drives and ultimately going 18 of 27 for 234 yards with three touchdowns before leaving in the second quarter. i can't really blame the defense for thinking jimmy's trot off-field signaled the end of the game. the kid did better in two quarters than aaron rogers or andrew luck did all day...but after 21 unanswered points by miami and an oh-god-don't-let-this-be-becoming-characteristic miss by stephen gostkowski, my bloody mary bliss had quickly evaporated into full scale fire-breathing. in the end, it was the old standbys who saved the day, and i'm giving this week's tommy to legarrette blount.  martellus bennett made his case with 114 yards and a touchdown, but blount kept the chains and the clock moving when everyone else seemed to have forgotten we were still in the middle of a game. thanks for leaping to the rescue, legarrette. way to keep the team grounded.

considering our next game is just three days away, our future seems filled with questions, kids. will garoppolo recover in time to suit up - or will julian kneecap southern barbecue and finally become our starting quarterback? will vince wilfork challenge danny amendola to a cover boy confidence-off? and will gronk *ever* come back from cancun??? think your happy patriots thoughts for whichever of those things you want most, and i'll keep you posted on how it all turns out. 

have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

Monday, September 12, 2016


hey kids-

football is back - and so is your tommy of the week! it was a heart stopper in arizona last night, and while we may have been gronkless and bradyless, thanks to bill and the boys, we were never hopeless. holy patriots! we beat the cardinals!

someone asked me last night if i ever root for the underdog, just for a change - 'cause, you know, going into 9.5 point-favorite arizona without our starting qb, star tight end, and best defensive dude apparently still doesn't qualify us for underdog status. i couldn't really argue with her though. america tuned in to watch our hamstrung team get spanked on national tv. in the sweetest of ironies, they left deflated. 

the names and numbers may have been different, but they certainly looked like patriots out there. newbie chris hogan pulled in a 37-yard pass for the first touchdown of the season, and our old friend jules moved the chains every time we needed him, racking up 77 yards. our defense looked fierce even without ninkovich, and i can tell already i'm going to be learning these totw-contenders' names sooner than later! even gostkowski looked great - nailing three field goals, including the go-ahead late in the fourth quarter. 

still, it was all eyes on jimmy garoppolo on sunday night, and while he might not be a fearless quarterback quite yet, he certainly did an awesome imitation of one. the kid went 24 of 33 for 264 yards and a touchdown - and in his first nfl start, he earned his first tommy of the week. congrats, jimmy! you didn't just do your job - you did us proud!

we play the dolphins at home on sunday, and after last night, i'm probably the only person in america who's kind of nervous about it. still, the dolphins always play us hard, and their new coach seems pretty gutsy. this seems like a good opportunity to think your happy patriots thoughts a little early this week - just in case you're a little rusty. 

have a great week - and go pats!

love dav

Sunday, January 17, 2016


hey kids-

our patriots beat the kansas city chiefs, and damn skippy if they didn’t look like patriots doing it! our last game in foxborough showed our patriots in fine form – giving us plenty of hope as we march on to denver. but first, let’s enjoy this moment!

our fearless quarterback came ready to play, and he brought all his favorite offensive toys to make sure he had some fun. with nine different players making receptions, tommy went 28 of 42 for 302 yards and two touchdowns – plus a quarterback sneak repeat on a rushing TD ruled just short. it was good to see him all fired up and smiling after a few dismal weeks. nice to have you back, tommy!

know who else it was nice to have back? julian! even with the bushy squirrel attached to his face, jules was a sight for sore eyes. while he wasn’t quite in perfect form, he had a nice showing with 10 receptions and 100 yards – and freed up gronk for 83 yards and two awesome touchdowns. yes, i know our defense played, too, but frankly, they weren’t that great. after everything i heard all week long about KC’s amazing secondary, i’m just so freaking proud that tommy didn’t have one single interception (ignore those near misses) and that’s all i’m talking about. yay offense! yay tommy! yay patriots! and if you don’t know by now that julian’s getting the tommy of the week (sorry gronk), well, then you just don’t know me at all. p.s. - i’m totally pretending that ball is me. how i missed you, julian!

we play in denver next weekend for a shot at the super bowl, and here’s how it looks, kids. i’m a tiny bit worried about the broncos, but not that much. i’m a tiny bit worried about julian’s little foot, but not that much. i’m a tiny bit worried chandler jones will get suspended, but not that much. i’m holy freaking worried about mile high stadium, and so so much. forget peyton’s ponies – it’s that stadium that’s going to be tommy’s biggest challenge. let’s hope revenge for breaking gronk back in november and tommy’s pinky’s desperation for a ring are enough fuel to light that oxygen-deprived stable on fire.  start thinking your happy patriots thoughts right now, and I’ll block them back in the right direction if they drift too far west.

have a great week, and go pats!

love dav

Monday, January 4, 2016


hey kids-
the patriots lost, and i’m super mad about it. all we had to do was beat the jets or beat the dolphins to ensure we wouldn’t have to play in denver – where tom brady has won twice in his entire career. seriously, patriots??? unless this is part of a genius belichick plan where we’re happier to have denver face the chiefs or the steelers while we get the houstons or the bengals, this was just really stupid and annoying. bad patriots!
our fearless quarterback looked like all he was going to do was stand around and hand off the ball all day – which made me wonder why they didn’t put in garoppolo. once he finally started passing, for a measly 134 yards, i wished they had put in garoppolo. then, when we finally got to the last two minutes – tommy time – they put in garoppolo. what the hell kind of plan was that, josh? bad tommy!

pretty much all the patriots looked pretty much completely pathetic, and there are no standouts and no honorable mentions. BAD PATRIOTS! the tommy of the week is going to our long snapper. know what patriots? joe cardona has an actual real job in the navy, so maybe you can stop wasting his time with half-assed football games, because he actually really does have better things to do. and you call yourselves patriots! joe cardona, you’re a real patriot – and you deserve a lot more than the tommy of the week.

we have a bye week on sunday, and i hope belichick makes the team think about what they’ve done! BAD PATRIOTS. seriously, julian better come back and reminds everybody how to play football, because clearly, our patriots have forgotten.  you have two solid weeks to think your happy patriots thoughts – start now. with the way we’ve been playing, we’re going to need every single one.
have a great week, and go pats.
love dav